This report is entirely a work of fiction. As similarity to persons or monkeys is purely incidental and the author bears no liability for slander or personal injuries resulting from this work. PJMH3 members may use any of the lies contained herein for any purposes he sees fit.
Part 1 – Prelude
So there I was, sitting in the Thistle, 3 hours before my normal wake-up time. As I began to wake up, my first thought was, "Did I fall asleep in the pub again?", and then suddenly realized why I was there – Monkey Run! Oh Shit! Can I sneak off? Not a chance.
For those who don't know, this was my second Monkey, my virgin run being the infamous Extreme Monkey 3, completing much to my own surprise three of the four legs. And, here I am waiting for more punishment. My "buddy" Karamba signed me up for my virgin run but neglected to tell me it was an Extreme. What are friends for?
Determining that escape was impossible without being branded a pussy for life, "What the hell, I'm not that f**ked up." My other buddy VV, another lying cunt, had told me this one will be much easier, so maybe I'll be OK.
Anyway, a reasonable ride in a luxury mini-van, we met up with the rest of the selected victims of those hares, VV, Festering Streaker, and Try-a-Fuck. Group photo, watered up, and we were on our way. No virgins? Word must be getting around.
Part 2 – Over Hill and Dale
Started out in civilized parts, relatively flat, well papered, and a couple of good honest checks, and no hills in sight. "Hey, I can do this, ha-ha." A very short-lived laugh as they began to loom in the distance, hmmm. They're too far away. Were they fuck!
Of course, the hares decided on the most vertical path and it was time to go down to low range on the gearbox. The run continues with another one and a half more hills. Some good rugged parts. A most excellently laid set of checks near the end pulled the pack up together and everybody came in within 15 minutes of each other in about an hour and half over 12-ish km. Your mileage may vary depending on how many false trails you decided to run. Verdict – outstanding.
Part 3 – Rest Stop
Did I say most? Yes I did. The missing – Spag Head, Dizzy, Fishy Fingers, ET (what happened mate), and Lord (I know this area) Lucan. All eventually caught up when they tried following the paper (what a novel idea, I always wondered why they put paper down).
As usual, rest stop way too short for me, I barely had time for a smoke. Unlike other runs, I'm afraid to smoke on the trail on the Monkey, in case I slow down and lose sight of the pack. Watered up, and the hares advised this part will be a lot shorter. It was shorter but that's only half the story.
Part 4 – Trial by Water
It wouldn't be a VV run without water, and the bastard couldn't wait. An impressive gully met us within 50 meters of the watering hole. A wide, deep gully, with a lot of floating plants and your normal agricultural waste. The water varied from waist to chest deep depending on your height and the sureness of your footing.
Most of us just got down to business and got wet. The hares failed to remove a rotting log which we used as well as we could. One of us, Karamba, being a vegan and made of sugar which might dissolve if wet, pole vaulted across. I was impressed but was also disappointed that he didn't come a cropper and fall into the ditch. Maybe that's small of me but that's just the way I am. Maybe some of you too?
This half of the run, about 8 km, was shorter than the first bit; but what it lacked in length, it more that made up in ruggedness, and dampness. Well papered in spite of all the rain the day before, this section had a couple of tough checks. This and the ruggedness of the trail served to keep the pack close together. I mean those that didn't get lost entirely – Karamba(what happened mate) and Lord (I KNOW this area) Lucan.
The last section followed the Grand Canyon, for a good long way, and the river was running fast, and a hell of a climb out. The On-in was less that 300 meters from where we came out of the canyon. Excellent haring.
I was running (read walking) with my buddy, Tampax. We agreed that we had as much fun as we needed that day and started cursing the hares. I don't consider a run great unless it meets this and one more criterion. It's also exactly 1 km too long, and I ask myself "What the f**k am I doing this for?" We dragged our arses on and were most pleased when we saw the circle just two minutes later.
Part 5 – Licking Wounds
Caught up with rest of the pack at the On-in towards the back of the pack with a few more dragging within the next ten minutes. Except of course the aforementioned MIA's (Mentally Incapable of Achieving On-in).
Terrific spirit and fun in the circle not spoiled in the least by the rain that fell. We set down to the heavy work of cooling our overheated Gluteus Maxima (plural I think) and rebuilding our depleted electrolytes with good cold down-downs.
And I got a nice green Monkey Run hat. Oh yeah, and I got nailed to be the Scribe. I'll be looking for you bastards on Monday.
Part 6 – Verdict
An Outstanding challenging run, great company as always in my opinion, fun circle, and good food at a great venue – Fabrice's Auberge avec les bains.
Well done hares!
Note: No Monkeys were killed during the production and execution of this run, however, some of them were pretty fucked up by the end of the day.
On On
Wankings Wanker
