Today, we almost have a full compliment for the 34th running of the Pattaya Jungle Monkey bi monthly ball breaker.
After the euphorbia created by The Monkey Chapters (Malacca & Pattaya) winning the vote to stage Pan Asia 2013 in Pattaya it's now back to slogging out the kilometers in tropical Thailand.
Greeted by cloudless skies and a promise of firm going the rabble of a pack disgorged itself into the A site like a rather nasty technicolor yawn from our aged asthmatic hash bus.
Much to the disappointment of the resident G.M. (who was holding brightly colored leg dye in his marigolds) someone must have warned the virgins to ensure they ran in brightly colored odd socks because a large queue quickly formed in front of Sheik Bin Shaggin's rags stall to buy the required foot attire. Unfortunately no one's legs were anointed this time.
Camel packs primed the G.M calls for the traditional run photo to be taken and orders the vertically challenged pack members to prostrate themselves at the feet of their taller superiors so we can all get into the picture. If the hares have a good pack photo they can find out who's gone AWOL at the finish!
The hare's were asked by the GM to describe their trail and promptly told a pack of untruths. By the end of the day G.I. Joe deservedly looked like Pinocchio while Spaghetti Head contented himself by picking up plastic bags and generally keeping himself out of the way. The third hare – Festering Streaker stood one hand on his genitalia and smirked! "Only Hasher's will balls attempt a Monkey Run" he commented!!!
Rubber tree plantations led into fields of pineapple and cassava which in turn led onto an oil palm plantations all interspersed with stands of very dry eucalyptus trees. The first river crossing was a chance to cool off and quite a number of the pack relaxed in the water. It ain't half hot today 37deg and climbing. Cabbage Knevel found some crabs and busied himself taking pictures.
On On again – and we seem to have run out of paper! Dirty Pussy makes an expletive in French and we retrace our steps. Oh the trail goes into the cassava -Lord Lucan seems to have gone missing but is spotted sauntering along the adjacent road! Perhaps he is going home for lunch in Ban Chang; his house can't be very far away.
There is clean running water, there is still water and then there is filthy brown shitty boggy water which the hares subjected to pack to. Fingerless who is even terrified at the very thought of getting into a bath full of water refused to entertain this part of the run and had to be dragged across by the pack. No doubt he was mindful of one of his previous Monkey outings when an unmentionable hasher (Lucan) tried to drown him and he caught something nasty – numerous visits to the quack and a stomach pump cured him and got rid of the parasites eventually.
Quote –"Racism on the hash is utterly deplorable and should be stopped at all costs"
Attributed to Smelly Bastard, Jellobutt and Mud Cracker….and so Gentlemen, who were to first of you to place their dirty hands on the beer truck at the water stop?
A combination of either body and/or equipment failure resulted in several members of our élite band having to be ferried onto to the C site. The remainder having emptied the sand out of their shoes headed on out and into yet more cassava.
Ball Ringer was seen heading totally in the wrong direction in a trance like state oblivious to the lack of paper. Is it the heat or Bell End that got to him?
The pack reached THE HILL at Km 17 – our benevolent hares forgot to mention the hill in our briefing at the start! Very fortunately it was not a big hill and most of the pack negotiated this geographical feature without any problems. However, I must make a short notation regarding a shameless few who used their brains and not their feet to skirt around the base and successfully re-find the trail on the other side. Conduct to be admired.
At last the hash bus is spotted about two kilometers away across a large lake – two frigging kilo's for the totally exhausted is a long way!!!
Ah – I arrived at last and time to open a cold one and wash off in the lake!
ONON - to January, when we have the French Connection B Team as hares and perhaps a shorter drier KING KONG ADVENTURE RUN.
On On
Vlad The Impaler
