If you know the Pattaya Monkey Hash House Harriers, you know one thing:
Their trails don’t forgive—and they damn sure don’t forget.
Their slogan has always said it best: “Can’t do? Don’t do it.”
The Trail of Truth (and Lies)
Before the run, someone innocently asked Dirt Looney:
“How long is the walkers’ trail?”
Dirt Looney, without blinking, replied, “About 5K.”
What he forgot to mention was that the real suffering only started at the 4K mark, where the path suddenly stood up straight, grew fangs, and turned into a wall of hills tangled with vines thick enough to lasso a buffalo.
Mother Nature wasn’t kind to anyone, but especially not to G.I. Joe, who has heroically done all 121 Monkey runs. Even the vines took shots at him, teaming up with YMCA to create a slapstick jungle obstacle course.
Cannon Ball & the Gypsy Betrayal
At the start of the trail, Cannon Ball made the fatal mistake of trusting Twinkle Dick, a Hasher from the San Francisco Gypsies, to walk with him.
Turns out, Twinkle Dick lived up to every bit of his Gypsy reputation—
He ditched Cannon Ball without warning.
A furious Cannon Ball was later heard muttering:
“That SOB Twinkle Dick… I go by the theory of the New England Patriots: teamwork! That’s why we won 5 Super Bowls!”
Apparently Twinkle Dick goes by the theory of every man for himself.
The Circle: Controlled Chaos
The post-run circle kicked off with The Wizard and Sperm Polluter, who kept the crowd roaring. Then came Herring Choker, who brought his own brand of chaos.
He called Scar With 2 T’s to the ice.
Scar protested—he didn’t want to damage his brand-new white shirt.
Naturally, Herring Choker solved this by grabbing the shirt and dunking it directly into the bucket’s filthy water.
Later, when Scar took over the circle, he repaid the kindness:
He tossed Herring Choker into the bucket and asked:
“Do you know what an Ice Bucket Sandwich is?”
He then placed a giant block of ice on him.
Notable Hashers on the Day
The Monkey Hash always draws characters, and #121 was no different. Seen huffing, puffing, drinking, complaining, or all of the above:
• Andy Whore Hole – Looking suspiciously too happy in the vines
• Ball Ringer – Rang everyone else’s bell with his downhill “style”
• Beetroot – Redder than his namesake by the end of the first hill
• Fatus Maximus – Declared the trail “too skinny” for him
• Jello Butt – Wobbled gracefully through the mud
• P$ssy Snatcher – Claimed he found “tracks,” no one believed him
• Paprika Smiley – Smiled even when sliding on his backside
• Boring Yanker – Not boring today, surprisingly inappropriate
• Half Dick – Still 50% committed
• Mud Cracker – Extremely well-named on this run
• Slug – Moved faster than expected (still slow)
• No More Cum – Always seeking physical challenges, so of course he did the Monkey
• Drinks Like a Girl – The visiting Jungle GM who kept things lively
By the time everyone stumbled back to the A-site, it was clear:
Monkey Hash #121 lived up to its reputation—punishing, chaotic, unforgettable.
Final Verdict
Great trail. Brutal hills.
Hares should probably be arrested.
Circle was a masterpiece of stupidity and entertainment.
And everyone will be back for more.