THE PANDEMIC MONKEY, THE BEST EVER? Guarantee, it's gonna be the best Monkey Run ever, the best trail, the best shirt, the best On On bar, that's all we heard from the hares in the weeks and days leading up to the big event. The omens were dodgy right from the start of the day when turning up outside the Boxing Roo to register and being met by Jellobut, one of the hares, on his second Leo Yai of the morning. However, for once all those that had signed up were present, and early, so the buses made the start of the journey before 11 am. The Crazy German was sat next to me on the bus and told me lots of interesting facts about his breakfasts…he usually has 2 you know, one of which is limited to cold beer. The other information has surprisingly slipped my mind. Jellobut had told us that recent torrential rains had forced a late change to the trail as now "it would be a danger to life and limb" and as the buses headed out to H331 speculation was rife that we would be running around the waterfall on the western side of the highway, but no, we were dropped off at a non-descript spot on the other side of the highway not far from the BMX stadium. Us regular Pattaya hashers know this area to be pretty flat (and not very dangerous) which, should we need further convincing, reminded us that hares tend to be strangers to the truth. After a few minutes to collect water and to re-tie laces the GM called us to order and quickly handed over to the hares for the briefing. Two sections, both over 8 km with shortcuts for the walkers, oh and did they mention best ever trail….yes they did, but followed it up with a series of ready made excuses….it's rained a lot, some of the paper may have blown away and as an afterthought, by the way there's lots of other paper out there, as Monday's upcoming run is in the same area and their paper has been laid too. But don't worry their hanging paper is different to our hanging paper, and any shredded paper is ours too. No mention of how to differentiate between 2 sets of checks or 2 sets of walker's shortcuts. But don't worry cos it's the best trail ever….and as if to further cast doubt into our troubled minds each and every one of us was handed a sealed bag with folded paper inside. The paper of course being a map of the area with the trail overlaid, also including the water stop and C site, but we won't need maps as it's the best trail ever…. Anyway, we were set off, with the walkers being held back for a minute or so, a sure sign of an early back check and we were not disappointed, even tho the very enthusiastic FRBs had sprinted past the sticks and had to be called back. For the record the sticks had obviously seen some paint at some point in their history, just not in their recent history, a theme which continued throughout the trail. For about 45 mins the runners were pretty much kept together by good positioning of checks and a varied terrain but as inevitably happens the pack started to become strung out as the strong runners ploughed on and the rest of us looked for opportunities to slip in a few hundred metres of walking whenever we could. Fortunately the weather was kind to us, overcast and cooler than usual, but nonetheless it was hard work on trail and after about 7 km I had finished my small bottle of water and was very much looking forward to some more cold drinks at the water stop. After 9 km, I'm really quite thirsty and expecting the water stop to be around the next bend, or just at the end of the next field, somewhere close by, surely? At 10.5 km the terrible truth dawned upon us as we stumbled across the second walker's shortcut. Somehow whilst solving the previous check, we had picked up the wrong trail and missed out a loop where the truck with all those lovely ice cold drinks were waiting for us. A collective decision was made to carry on and not turn back so off we went, knowing that we had probably another 7 km to do with no drinks. But not all was lost as we later learned that many of the walkers did actually find and make good use of the water stop, polishing off all the chocolate and many of the snacks (the usual suspects protested their innocence, of course) it seems it was just the runners that missed out. But by now the half pissed Jellobut, managed to send those that had made it to the drink stop out on the wrong trail as they set off for the second half of the trail. Halfway through the section, I was called by Pussy Snatcher, the second hare to enquire as to our well being as we hadn't showed up at the water stop. He was, I think, relieved to hear that we were in good shape and still on paper, just a little dehydrated. I gave him the names of those runners that were in close proximity, but 10 minutes later he called back to ask about a load more runners/walkers, most of whom I hadn't seen since leaving the A site. The last section of the run was thankfully straightforward although it did involve several water crossings, one or 2 of which were actually quite clean and pleasant. The top of my socks got wet and Dirt Looney managed to keep his chin dry. Without having looked at the maps we had a fair idea of where the C site would be and as we neared our expected destination were dismayed to be headed off in an alternative direction, questioning where it was that we were headed to, but after a loop around a huge tapioca field eventually found ourselves back on track to the lake that sat next to the C site. Thank goodness, a cold drink at last! What? What do you mean there's no cold water or softies here at the C site? They're still with Jellobut at the B site but they'll be here soon, make do with an ice cold beer instead. And as nice as it was, it wasn't really what was needed after 17km. But hold on, here comes the truck with Jellobut and the drinks! Hurray!! Open the eskie to be greeted by 7 bottles of water and no cold soft drinks, what? Oh, you forgot to top up the eskies after the walker's had some drinks, cheers JB! No one died, tho, but a few smelt like they did and some were contemplating death as an option rather than finish the course - and in keeping with tradition Crap Thai came in a lonely last, about 45 mins later than anyone else. I think he stopped for a snooze somewhere. The trials of the trail were quickly forgotten as the beers began to flow and VV turned up to make sure we all got very well fed. The shirts too, were a well received success and were accompanied by neck gaiters (is there such a thing?) which were designed to be used as masks which was a nice touch. In truth it was a very good trail, and despite the presence of rogue paper, was pretty easy to follow, except for that one bit when a couple of front runners found the wrong paper - we should have known really as it was about 300 m from the check which was not in keeping with the rest of the trail. The circle was great fun as was the On On bar, but you had to be there to know how it went. So, the best ever? Not quite. Memorable? Yes, absolutely. Great fun? Definitely, I'll do it all again in a couple of months! Thank you Pussy Snatcher and Jellobut.