Scribe Report by Rear Gunner

Bus departs at 12:30 on the dot so don't be late! Bullshit! Alternate pickup at the second red arch on Siam Country Road, 6 to 7km from Sukhumvit Rd Bullshit! (8 to 9km) at 13:20 sharp. Bullshit! 13:50. Waited with "SIR SPAGHETTI HEAD" for the luxury air conditioned tourist coach to arrive to take us to the "A" site. Bus arrived late of course and with hashers hanging out of the windows it looked like a lunatic asylum weekend outing, we board through the back door "we've all been there eh"!!! Settled into my ergonomically designed luxuriously upholstered sleeper seat just under the ceiling fan and above the rear axle with no shock absorbers and relaxed to the sounds of yabbering hashers and diesel engine while sucking in engine fumes.

"Sheik Meme" calls for a circle and the usual semi circle is formed, a couple of virgins are invited in, warmly welcomed to the MONKEY HASH and warned that they will be dealt with later then told to fuck off out of the circle. No new shoes. "Sheik Meme" tags "BAM BAM" he jumps the top rope and enters the semi circle but I don't recall what was said as I was busy checking the terrain trying to decide where the run was going to start. "MISERABLE CUNT" had assured me that we were heading for the mountains and goes that way early. Hares are called in "GREYHOUND" AND "RUMPLED FORESKIN", "CAPTAIN KIRK" would beam down for the run, today only teabag tags, checks are red with a bit of paper, run starts that way -> and most of us head up a dirt road and into the trees away from "MISERABLE CUNTS" mountain.

What a fucken' run, up mountains down steep slopes covered in building rubble or slippery leaves and soft earth, abundant teabags then fuck all teabags, pineapple fields, tapioca fields, 1 teabag, river beds, thorn covered vines, 3 cattle, 3 teabags, electric fence, dogs, a sprint across 6 lanes of highway 36 full of speeding vehicles which all seemed to accelerate to make us run a little quicker, red ants biting, blood dripping from numerous superficial thorn lacerations, 3 more teabags and that was only the first part. Anyone with half a brain would have retired at the drink stop; luckily we're Monkey Hashers and not that smart so nearly all carried on. The first part for me was around the 1hour 30-40ish mark which was pretty good as I had set a cracking pace early and found the first 2 true trails after "GI JOE" found the FT's, ah the joys of being old and slow as opposed to old and fast, I continued to lead from the rear as my hash name "REAR GUNNER" would suggest. About this time "Sheik Meme" ran passed me and said "hey dude, you're the scribe" then ran off. CUNT!

A 20 minute drinks stop at the bottom of a mountain as we waited for "BACK STROLLING BASTARDS" but a rumour swept through the ranks that "SIR SPAGHETTI HEAD" and "MISERABLE CUNT" had used their years of experience to deduce that the run was actually in the opposite direction to that pointed out by the hares. Those years of experience and cunning turned to 3 shades of shit when they were next seen at the C site enjoying cold beverages complaining about the lack of teabags in areas where the run wasn't while the rest of us were whinging about the lack of teabags in areas where the run was. Some people will do anything to get to the beer first.

Part 2 was much like part 1, as we stretched our tired muscles by the drinks trunk relaxing to the sweet sounds of the speed freaks at Birra Race Circuit "Sheik Meme" called a circle and asked the hares to tell us about part 2 of the run, "see that dead tree up there" was the call and off we went up that fucken' mountain, several rest stops along the way just to take in the view and oxygen and remove a few thorns and wipe away the blood, I thought I was at the top but no there was more.

At times you needed a teabag sniffing "GREYHOUND" to find the trail or you wished you were "CAPTAIN KIRK" and could be beamed straight to the beer truck.

 I finally ended up with a group of seasoned trail sniffers that was TRAIL not TAIL, in "LORD LUCAN" "Sheik Meme" and "CAPTAIN KIRK" for the last half of part 2. A hare on the run? Ice for you. This was the part with lots of teabags for 100 metres then fucken' nothing for 500 metres. At least with 4 of us searching for teabags we got back before dark. Myself and "Sheik Meme" thoughtfully marked the teabag free areas with arrows in the dirt so "DIZZY" and "Arse-Holeo" could find the beer truck before the darkness set in. "DIZZY" came and thanked me for the trail arrows, reckoned he was bound for a night in the jungle without them.

I grabbed a bottle of water, a Tiger beer and a seat for my wind down after the run (dehydration is a killer) washed my face with the water and drank the beer. Sat with "Arse-Holeo" and we took turns in providing rehydrating fluids as each (beer) bottle emptied.

Can't remember too much about the circle because it began after about 6 Tigers though I do recall "BAM BAM" separating the noisy French speakers "VV", "MR STATLER" etc however they slowly moved back together like sheep in a paddock. Actually I do recall that "VV" spent a lot of time on the ice and in the bucket and was also dressed as a Monkey.

I know I was iced just for being there, because I'd left Johannesburg, South Africa on Wednesday at 4:50pm, arrived in Sydney Thursday afternoon at 2:35pm left Sydney Thursday afternoon at 4:40pm and arrived in Bangkok at 10pm and got to Pattaya very early Friday, ran the Monkey Saturday, left Pattaya Sunday at 2pm flew out of Bangkok at 6pm and arrived in Sydney Monday 6:25am and another hasher had come all the way from Jamaica. "SPEEDY" came from Malaysia again, good on ya mate. So please no complaints from anyone who has had a long drive just to do the Monkey Hash.