Well here we are, gathering at the Thistle, in the pre-dawn gloom, what the hell are the hares on on, (haha) has Wee Wee forgotten to reset his watch on his return from Belgium a while back ????? time will tell.
Meanwhile those who neglected the hares advice to have an early night are slowly filtering in, Absolutely No Fucking Idea arrives with his eyeballs smudging the inside of his spectacles and saying "Who am I" "What’s My Name" "Where am I" "What the hell am I doing here" giving those in doubt about how he got his name, a pretty good idea, shortly after Sheik Me Me arrives, mumbling some shit about it being "Time to go to bed, not time to get out of bed", welcome to the Monkey fellas.
Eventually it's decided that we must get underway, rumors are rife about where we are off too, due to the early start, hours away perhaps ??? , and how do we get there, the hares informed us the normal clunker, er, I mean bus, is not required, so off we head to 2nd road to discover our means of transport is in fact, 2 mini buses and the hares cars, along the way we see the normal clunker full of Monks heading in the other direction, that explains that one.
Off we go into the great unknown, what's our destination, Bangkok, Chantaburi, Nakorn Nowhere, who knows, north along Sukhumvit, then into highway 36, perhaps Rayong ????? nope 2 mins up 36 we turn off to the left, confusion and speculation reigns, 3 or 4 mins later we pull into a Cassava field, "WHAT THE" is the cry heard from many as everyone piles out of the mini buses, why are we all waking up so early for a 10 min ride out of Pattaya ??????? is today’s run hundreds of Km's, have the hares taken "A Long Hard Run" a step further, one step too far perhaps, and after climbing from my sick bed for todays run, i'm hoping not, will all be revealed.
Group Photo first up, then the circle is called and conducted by Joint Grand Master Sheik Me Me, the usual things, welcomes all including the 9 virgins, christens the new shoes, and then it's the hares turn to do some explaining, and it better be good, but nope, they have nothing to say except the usual, paper is white, checks are red stuff and the trail starts over there.
The usual FRB suspects take off in a cloud of dust, Jellobutt, Shit Through a Duck, Cabbage head, GI Joe, Joe's On On's resounding out thru the Cassava, the rest of us mere mortals bringing up the rear, first check see's Jellobutt apparently having shoe lace problems whilst the others are off being confused by a myriad of FT's including one off to the right just before the correct trail, very clever fella's, it gave us back markers time to catch up.
On On thru the Cassava, everyone has cleared out, until we catch up after another clever check that momentarily brings the pack back together, then it's back to bringing up the rear for me and the ever confused Absolutely No Fucking Idea, suddenly 30 mins into the run, Wang King appears on trail taking photo's and ask's me how i'm coping (out of sick bed remember) not bad I say, how much further to the drinks stop I ask, 30 mins is the reply, no prob's I’ll On On, meanwhile the back runners have bunched slightly due to another check and then it's off too, yep, you guessed it, more Cassava.
Eventually ANFI and I catch up with the other back markers due to some of Wee Wee's signature wet sloppy stinky stuff that the others had tip toed through, and yet another confusing check that well and truly bunches up the back pack. Then, due I think, to some on trail yakking, we all lose track of the paper and upon hearing On On being called away in the distance, we follow the voice instead of paper and momentarily we find ourselves lost, finally after much conjecture, on what we should do about our situation, we head of in 2 different directions.
Luckily before the ones going the Wrong Way can get to far, we find paper and spot others only a couple of hundred metres away and we call On On, meanwhile Wang King's 30 mins has long passed and we are pushing up to more like an hour since I asked and i'm feeling the pinch, and so too is the evergreen Dizzy, luckily for both of us we spot the On In to the drink stop and we're saved. Meanwhile the pack is refreshed and ready to head out and their off.
Suddenly 3 hashers from Bangkok, Bulimia, Bad Boy Bubby and Pussy Virus who had missed the start, due as they would claim later, to having been told the wrong start time, run into the drink stop, take on some water, borrow a cap and there off in pursuit, well done fella's for catching up, unfortunately due to my ill health, I have to pull out, so from here it's On On to Vlad the Imposter to complete
The drink stop, being totally devoid of shade was quickly evacuated and the pack continued towards the distant foot hills of the majestic Chonburi Mountains. The locals are well aware this is a hashers grave yard – many times intrepid packs have made excursions into these treacherous mist shrouded peaks and have been lost without trace for days! On and up as we traverse another familiar field of cassava.
The pack is beginning to struggle from the strong sun and the ankle deep fine sand as we stagger onto the first check after the water stop. This took a lot of working out because there was a false trail leading to the right just before the correct trail could be located. When Lord Lucan stumbled on this he called ONON and the pack followed onto a narrow path which led to a house guarded by rabid dogs. Very quick exit ensured but large snake appeared crossing the retreat path and confusion reigned.
But where did the quad bikes come from? Suddenly the pack was assaulted by noise and dust as four of these machines were forced to follow at our speed along a narrow track – after two hours on trail our speed was slow!
Still climbing we entered into a glade of rubber trees to be greeted by Smelly Bastard covered with black mud up to his neck. This had a familiar bovine stench to it. So who fell in the shit? Oh and thanks for covering many of the other hashers including me as you brushed the shit onto the adjoining vegetation which was then transferred onto the following hashers,. If the name fits…..
Fortunately for the pack for Monkey 16 the hares did not venture too far into the Chonburi range and we soon made a starboard turn to navigate through some tall grass and in to a shady gully – out of the sun at last and there are more than a few of us looking forward to the sight of the beer truck and a cold drink. In the middle of the pack a group of seven astonishing old farts with a combined age of over 400 are sticking together and rationing their inadequate water supplies while sitting in the shade of a large mango tree – the spirit of hashing prevails on the Monkey! The combined age would have been greater but Apache was among the group. He stated afterwards that he was concerned about the ashen complexion of Rumbled Foreskin and was keeping an eye on his in case first aid was required. But he always looks like that!
Just as the paper trail started to become very difficult to follow the beer truck was sighted and we were delivered from the wilderness…..smiling faces all round a more importantly cold beer and snacks. At last we have made it after about three hours in the heat!!
To find out what happens in the circle you will have to run with the Monkey…Can’t Do- Don’t Do
On On
Bam Bam
