June 10 1940, Marcus Garvey wakes in his West Kensington cottage, walks to the kitchen, puts the kettle on and sits down to catch up with the world press. Turning a page in the Chicago Defender he is horrified to read his own premature obituary describing the once outspoken national activist and adopted idealist of the Rastafarian movement as obscure, broke, unpopular and apparently dead. The shock is enough to trigger a stroke and 52 year old Garvey keels over and dies, the self fulfilling prophecy of his death lying in print beside him.
Le bummer, as the French like to say. Meanwhile, on the side of a road somewhere off the 3240 an assortment of strange looking men are called together by our GM and Haile Selassie for today, Festering Streaker. So begins monkey run part X – the Rasta Monkey.
Looking around, the only hashers slightly resembling Rastafari are Bottomless Pit and V.V., both sporting a single sweaty dreadlock. Hair in fact, is in short supply. Split Beaver seems to have shaved his eyebrows to cut wind resistance whilst Air Head and No Trucking Idea are hiding their comb-overs under cowboy hats. Jackal assures everyone although running in dress shoes that he is adequately hydrated today.
Virginal monkey hasher Beverly Hills Pink Cock is welcomed and our unholy trinity of hares GI Joe, Tony Tampax and Up And Down Dick, relay details of the impending run before pointing everyone off.
Rusty Ring Hole and Timmy Tightpants lead us onto the first of many a tricky back checks. Ball Ringer, running with a hamstring injury is loping away in a pair of pink tights with an authentic Neanderthal gait to his stride. Also running in pink is Rumpled Foreskin confident in his sexuality in a gaudy 70's throwback bandana. The pack continues right into ploughed fields and down a slippery embankment which has Mr Statler and Arse-A-Holic on their asses and into a coincidental stream crossing. It is around this point where Spaghetti Head fearing his legs too short and his feet too dry, decides to find an alternative route and consequently is never seen again. Lord Lucan aka Billy Bullshit is employing a mix of Navaho tracking skills and his finely homed sixth sense to successfully navigate checks and stay with the front runners.
The sixth sense in this context being a euphemism for 'he ran it yesterday'. Wee man Really Sadistic Bastard never far behind, can be seen shadowing and shortcutting down the occasional rabbit hole. Slow going over streams and through shiggy keep the pack together as the trail winds round making good use of pineapple plantations.
Heavy breathing duo Wanking and Greyhound are constantly on my heels. Our Malaysian celebrity Speedy Gonzales finds scent again and scampers off stringing the pack out and onto the drink stop. First leg an hour ten for the FRB's and the pack not far behind.
At the drink stop, soon to be designated diaper Dan for the day No More Cum is explaining the chandelier swinging circumstances surrounding his damaged back, a likely story. Dizzy entertains and cracks jokes while the pack assembles and even Are You Sure is gracing us with his presence today. The second run leg sees much of the same fare taking the pack through tapioca, high grass and field and onto a good C-site where much monkey merriment was had. A big thank you to our hares for a good run!
On On
Roger The Sick Prick
